


All Too Well/I Almost Do

by hmmfanfiction (niggletsune)



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angry Derek, College Stiles, Derek and Stiles breakup, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Hurt Derek, Hurt Stiles, Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-11
Updated: 2014-05-09
Packaged: 2018-01-19 00:46:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1449082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/niggletsune/pseuds/hmmfanfiction
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stiles writes a letter to Derek from college after their breakup.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dear Derek

**Author's Note:**

> All song credits go to Taylor Swift.

**Derek** ,

I don’t even like Taylor Swift. You Know this. I despise Taylor Swift because she is the slayer of men. But these songs, I heard them and then I kind of maybe put them on repeat and thought about you for a week so I thought I’d map them out for you with some memories/and or thoughts.. Well, here goes nothing I guess.

**All Too Well.**

**_I walked through the door with you_ **  
**_The air was cold but something 'bout it felt like home somehow and I_ **  
**_Left my scarf there at your sister's house_ **  
**_And you still got it in your drawer even now_ **

That first night that I stayed the night at your loft will probably be one of the best nights of my life. We had just started sneaking around then and I told my dad I was staying at Scott’s and I told Scott that if my dad asked that I was at his house and not to ask questions. Thank God Scott was too busy with Kira to even care where I was staying. You know my red and black and white plaid shirt? I left that at your house, sorry it says “sister’s house” it’s not like T. Swift (oh god) actually knows our life. But um, I hope you still have it in your drawer or something because I think if you didn’t it would really mean that we were over, and well, ouch.

**_Oh, your sweet disposition_ **

**_And my wide-eyed gaze_ **

By the way this is not you at all, you do not have a single ounce of sweet disposition in you. Unless, you account for your sweet tooth. I swear to god I’ve never made so many ice cream and cake runs in my entire life. How do your abs stay so firm?

  
 **We're singing in a car getting lost Upstate**  
 _**The autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place** _  
**And I can picture it after all these days**

Remember that day that we went out to the park and played hide and seek and I hid under a pile of leaves? This is really what this part reminded me of. You kept saying you could find me by scent and I told you it was cheating but you wouldn’t stop fucking doing it. So then I figured if I hid under the leaves or something that it would make it harder (as if leaves have some sort of scent masking powers or something) but of course you still fucking found me. But then I wasn’t so mad because you tackled me into the leaves and kissed me and I think this makes it on the list of my top ten favorite days.

  
 **And I know it's long gone, and that magic´s not here no more**  
 **And it might be okay, but I'm not fine at all**

Um. Well this line pretty much sums it up. Like sure, it’s okay that things ended on a good note, right? We couldn’t just do some long distance relationship thing, I get that. It just, it really sucks a lot of the time without you.

**_Cause here we are again on that little town street_ **  
**You almost ran the red cause you were looking over at me**  
 **Wind in my hair, I was there, I remember it all too well**

This part might actually be more me than you because I could never stop fucking staring at you. You know your jawline is perfect right? And when you smile, it’s so fucking rare that I can’t stop looking until you’re done smiling. I had to get every single second of that smile and brand it into my mind. (It’s still there by the way)

**_Photo album on the counter_ **  
_**Your cheeks were turning red** _  
_**You used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin-sized bed** _  
_**And your mother's telling stories 'bout you on the t-ball team** _  
_**You tell me about your past thinking your future was me** _

We went back to that house in the woods once and you told me about all the stories of you and your family. You even told me the embarrassing ones and that’s the moment I fell in love with you. You told me how you had to downplay everything when you were in sports and Peter just tried to tell you not to play at all because you’d bring out your wolf-side too much (even though Peter was fucking MVP of everything, I think he just didn’t want you to break his records). You got really quiet for a while after you talked about your mom and this is how I knew you loved me because you never talked about your mom to anyone. I’m so fucking sorry that your future didn’t end up with me, Derek. I’m so fucking sorry.

**_And I know it's long gone, and there was nothing else I could do_**

**_And I forget about you long enough to forget why I needed to_ **

This part just makes me really, really sad but I can’t help but think of you because who the hell else have I loved as much as I loved you? Don’t even say Lydia because yes, there was a time I loved her, but I’ve never loved anyone as much as I loved you. As much as I love you.

**_Cause here we are again in the middle of the night_ **  
_**We're dancing round the kitchen in the refrigerator light** _  
_**Down the stairs, I was there, I remember it all too well** _  
_**Yeah** _

So you never really “danced around the kitchen in the refrigerator light” but I sure as hell did. I mean, well not the kitchen and not the refrigerator because YOU DIDN’T EVEN FUCKING HAVE EITHER OF THOSE. But remember that time I was really drunk after a party and I came to your loft dancing around? You acted like you didn’t like it as you stood at the top of the loft stairs watching me. But that smile of yours was on your face so I know you liked it. God, I miss that.

**_And maybe we got lost in translation_ **  
**_Maybe I asked for too much_ **  
**_But maybe this thing was a masterpiece_ **  
**_´til you tore it all up_ **  
**_Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well_ **

I know I asked for too much when I told you we needed to tell our friends and family about it but that was my favorite thing about our relationship, you said yes even though it was everything you didn’t want. By the way I don’t want you to think that I think you “tore it all up” I know that was me, that it was my choice. I remember it all though, every single detail of every single little thing.

**_Hey you called me up again just to break me like a promise_ **  
_**So casually cruel in the name of being honest** _  
_**I'm a crumbled up piece of paper lying here** _  
_**Cause I remember it all, all, all too well** _

Remember that one (of many) times we had a fight and you called it quits? You said that I was too young anyway and I wasn’t ready for what you were ready for. That hit hard and I don’t think I ever told you but you actually kind of broke my heart with those words. But I mean, now I see that you were probably right because I’m the one that ran from you aren’t I?

**_Time won't fly it's like I'm paralyzed by it_ **  
**_I´d like to be my old self again_ **  
**_But I'm still trying to find it_ **  
**_After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own_ **

I remember after the Nogitsune stuff you brought me back to your loft and you treated me like the same person I was before anything happened. Then you started asking me about dreams and I felt so happy that you came to me about it, that’s how I knew you trusted me. Plaid shirt days…, when don’t I have a plaid shirt day? And oh god, that night you made me your own? I’ll never forget anything like those moments we shared.

**_Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone_ **  
_**But you keep my old scarf from that very first week** _  
_**Cause it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me** _  
_**You can't get rid of it, cause you remember it all too well Yeah** _

I don’t even remember why I walked home from your loft the night I left for school. I just remember it was the saddest walk of my life because I left you standing outside the building and all I wanted to do was run back. I just wanted to run back and never let go. God, I really hope you still have that shirt, Derek. I still have yours. But it doesn’t smell much like you anymore, I think my tears kind of washed it out. I’d do anything for it to smell like you again.

**_Cause there we are again when I loved you so_ **  
_**Back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known** _  
_**It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well** _

What we had was so fucking rare and so fucking special and god. I don’t even know what I was thinking when I ended it. Most nights here at school I just sit here in my own loft looking out at the city lights wishing it was Beacon Hills, wishing it was your loft, wishing I was with you. This next part could probably explain that more than I ever could though.

**I Almost Do.**

**_I bet this time of night you're still up_ **  
_**I bet you're tired from a long hard week** _  
_**I bet you're sitting in your chair by the window looking out at the city** _  
_**And I bet sometimes you wonder about me.** _

So, sometimes when we were together you used to do this broody little thing where you stared out the window and thought about life. I used to like to watch you from your bed (I’m waggling my eyebrows right now, just so you know). Sometimes, I thought it was your favorite part of the week where you’d just been dealing with some pack shit and now you had time to reflect on everything ya know? Well, I guess unlike T. Swift (God, I’m awful for even trying to call her that again aren’t I?) I don’t bet you wonder about me sometimes but I do really hope you do.

**_I bet you think I either moved on or hate you_ **  
_**Cause each time you reach out there is no reply** _  
_**I bet it never ever occurred to you** _  
_**That I can't say hello to you and risk another goodbye** _

Number one: you should probably know that I in fact have not moved on. One does not simply “move on” from Derek Hale. Number two: I definitely don’t hate you. It was just a lot easier to change my number and not give it to you when I moved away. I’ve read every single one of the emails you sent me but I just can’t bring myself to answer them. I’m really sorry about that one. I never meant to shut you out (okay, maybe I did meant to shut you out because I thought it was easier) but I never meant to hurt you. I just, this is all really hard for me. Also, don’t feel bad that I avoid you at all costs when I visit the big BH. I do it because I’d probably never come back to college if I saw you again, I don’t think I’d ever want to leave your side.

_**And I just wanna tell you** _  
_**It takes everything in me not to call you.** _  
_**And I wish I could run to you.** _  
_**And I hope you know that every time I don't** _  
_**I almost do,** _  
_**I almost do.** _

I just, I want you to know that I've picked up the phone a thousand times, especially on mu drunk nights. When I come into town and visit my dad I find myself driving to the loft and then I turn around as soon as I get to your street. I don't deserve to see you. I even made it to the door one day. I was two seconds from knocking and then I just couldn't do it, I left. But like I said, If I saw you again I know I'd never leave your side.

**_Oh, we made quite a mess baby_ **  
_**It's probably better off this way** _  
_**And I confess baby** _  
_**In my dreams you're touching my face** _  
_**And asking me if I wanna try again with you** _  
_**And I Almost Do** _

            That first line is probably pretty fucking true. What were we even thinking when we started all of this? I know what I was thinking, I was thinking that I was already in love with you. I wasn’t thinking about how human I was and how werewolf you were or how I was going to college in a few months. I wasn’t thinking about any of that. I was just thinking about you and how much I wanted you and how much I needed you and goddamn, Derek. I swear to fucking God if you asked me to try again I would do it all over and over and over again. All of it. The fights, the accidents, the crazy nights in the forest, the quiet nights in the loft. The sneaking around, the coming out, and holy fucking hell I’d even do the break up again just because that was the realest moment of my life. It takes everything in me not to call you. Every night since I’ve left I literally almost do but I can’t bring myself to face you after what I did to you. How I left things. You were the realest part of my life and what I’m trying to say with this is that I miss you. I miss you so fucking much.

 

**Stiles**

****


	2. Dear Stiles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Derek responds to Stiles' letter.

**Stiles** ,

            I don’t know why you would ever think it was okay to send me Taylor Swift lyrics, my god, Taylor Swift of all people? You couldn’t have picked anyone less horrible than her? I listened to the fucking songs, and here’s what I think.

 

            I’ll never forget the night you stayed in my loft for the first time. You were so paranoid someone was going to find out about us. Remember when Lydia called and you said she was going to use her Banshee powers to find out where you were and who you were with and what you were doing. I kept telling you that she wasn’t going to be able to find you since you weren’t in danger. I’d never put you in danger. Plus, Lydia doesn't even know how to use her Banshee powers that well. No, your shirt isn’t in my drawer or something. 

 

            You are very right about this sweet disposition thing. Sweet and I just don’t go together. Also, don’t act like you didn’t like those ice cream runs as much as I did, if I’m correct you crave rocky road like a pregnant woman. My abs stay firm from all of my wolf activities. Activities with you helped too, but now that you're gone I just have to stick to wolf workouts.

 

            I can’t believe I even let you talk me into playing hide and seek like some little kid. Finding you by scent isn’t cheating by the way, I always find you by scent. I could notice your scent out of a million others. I wasn't even trying to find you by scent, your scent is just mapped into my mind. I remember kissing you in the leaves, it was one of my favorite days too.

 

            Things didn’t even end on a good note, Stiles because here we are months later writing letters to each other about all the memories we once shared together. And, you can’t even come and see me when you’re in town and you won’t answer my emails and you won’t call me. Don’t say it sucks without me because you’re the one who left.

 

            You always said you were the stalker in the relationship but what I never told you was that I liked to watch you sleep. You hold a sort of, mysteriousness about you when you’re sleeping. Plus, it’s the only time you ever shut the hell up (most of the time, sometimes you talk in your sleep). My smiles are rare but you should know by now that they were never rare for you.

 

            Remember the time you took me to your house and showed me the photo albums you and your dad made for your mom? When she got sick you were afraid she was going to forget about you so you tried to write down and draw every single memory you had with her. You said you’d never showed anyone those before, that’s how I knew you loved me and when I fell in love with you. Shocker right? That I was actually in love with you, that I’m still in love with you. Don’t be sorry.

 

            I don’t think for a second that you loved Lydia more than you loved me but I also know you would have never broken up with Lydia before moving to college. You probably would have followed her wherever she wanted to go. What I want to know if why you never asked me to come with you? I don’t have anything here in Beacon Hills that I want as much as you. Why did you make me stay?

 

            I don’t have a kitchen because who in the hell has time to cook with all of the shit going on here in Beacon Hills? Not me. I remember that time you were drunk after that party, after many parties last summer. You spun in circles on the main level of the loft and I watched from up above. I did like it, I loved it. I miss it too.

 

            You were asking a lot but I wouldn’t have given you everything, I _gave_ you everything. Stiles, you just, you gave it all back and ran away.

 

            I’m short tempered, we both know this. I want you to know that I didn’t really mean what I said that night. I was just insecure because you didn’t know what you wanted and I was giving you my all and I just wanted a little bit in return, but then the tables turned when we went public and so I guess I wasn’t ready for what you were ready for? But then you left me so maybe we both weren’t ready at all.

           

            Stiles, I trusted you with anything and everything. I don’t know why you thought I would have ever went to anyone else about the dream stuff. We weren’t even really together then, but I still needed you at that point in time. I remember during the Nogitsune stuff I was terrified you were going to die or we were going to have to kill you. I couldn’t imagine a world without you. I didn’t think that right now I'd be living in one.

 

            I can replay the day you left in my head, I think I know it better than the day of the fire. I’m so mad at myself because I just watched you go, I didn’t even try and stop you. I have the shirt, Stiles. God, I still have the fucking shirt. I don’t even know why because it’s not like you’re ever coming back.

 

            You’re right, what we had was rare. I wish I was there with you in your loft or you were here with me in my loft. I’d really like it if you were here with me in my loft.

 

           

            I was really surprised when I got this letter from you. I thought you’d moved on and forgot about me. I wonder about you all the time you know, all the fucking time.

 

            It’s nice to know you haven’t moved on and that you don’t hate me. I’m sure you will move on though, you should know that it’s fine. I won’t hold you to anything anymore. I wish I had your number, it would be nice to hear your voice. I ask Scott about you sometimes, he mostly ignores me or just mumbles that you’re doing fine. I just wish I could hear it from you myself, ya know? Don’t worry about the emails, I probably shouldn’t have sent them anyway, right?

            You are correct, we made a huge fucking mess. I wasn’t thinking either, I just wanted you. I wanted your tangents, your planning, your energy, your nightmares, your tears, anxiety, I wanted it all. I still want it all, but it’s selfish of me to ask you to do it again. You’re probably doing great there and I could never pull you away from that, it wouldn’t be right. But I’d do it again and I’d do it right this time. Do you think you could call? I understand if you won’t but I miss you too and I need to hear your voice.

**Derek**

           

 

           

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for everything you guys <3 I hope you liked this one. There's one, possibly two more of this. I kind of became obsessed with sad Sterek and made it into a mini thing. The chapter after this is my favorite.


	3. Resolution

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Derek gets and unexpected surprise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last part of the my mini Taylor Swift Sterek series.

Derek was ultimately angry because he couldn’t do something as simple as get gas without there being a disturbance. He had just put the nozzle in his tank when his phone began going off, letting him know someone had broken into his loft. _Goddammit._ He thought to himself. Derek sighed and squeezed the nozzle, stopping it and put it back at the pump. He got into his car and quickly threw it into drive and sped down the street to his house.

               The scent hit him like a thousand tons as he was two blocks from his house. _Stiles._ His mind screamed. Derek shook his head and sighed, Stiles was in town again from college. This would be the third time he’d been back since moving and Derek knew this time would be no different from the last. He wouldn’t get a visit. Derek inhaled the scent of his previous mate and his heart fluttered sadly, he was so angry at himself for missing him so much. But as he traveled to his house Derek noticed the scent was getting stronger. Had Stiles done another drive-by that he’d told Derek about in the single letter he’d received from him since moving? Derek sighed deeply, he didn’t want to know. He couldn’t take it if Stiles had yet again driven by without visiting. But then Derek thought to himself, it’s strange that Stiles is in town only days after Derek sending his letter, and it was a Tuesday afternoon. Derek’s heart pounded heavily, he hoped something wasn’t wrong with the Sheriff. Stiles was very close with his father Sheriff Stilinski and Derek knew the boy couldn’t bear it if anything happened to his father. _Maybe I should just drive by the Stilinski house to check things out_ , he thought. He then shook his head. Someone would come to him if something was wrong.

 

                Derek hadn’t looked in the front parking lot before he had pulled his car into his respective garage so when he began walking into the building he found himself stunted by the lone vehicle parked there. A blue jeep, slightly beat up with the scent of a boy he loved. The scent here was very strong for obvious reasons but it was composed of anxiety, fear, restlessness, and blood laced with Adderall. The scent hadn’t changed and this was something Derek wanted to smile about but he still found himself frowning because everything else had. Derek’s heart skipped a beat, the fact that Stiles was here meant that something was wrong, he wouldn’t come to Derek for any other reason. Derek took a deep breath and went inside the building and took the stairs two at a time.

                He stood outside the door for a minute just breathing in Stiles’ scent. He missed it and him so very much in these past months that he’d been void of the two things. Finally, Derek pulled open the large sliding door to the loft and walked in.

 

                Stiles was sitting on a chair in the makeshift living room portion of the loft, holding his plaid shirt in his hands. “You didn’t lie when you said you still had it,” Stiles looked up and smiled sadly. “I’m glad.”

Derek sighed. Every part of his being was telling him to whimper and go to Stiles. He just wanted to take him in his arms kiss his mouth and then every inch of his skin.

                “I wouldn’t lie to you, Stiles.” Derek said coolly. He was beginning to get angry with Stiles’ presence and his nonchalance. Nothing about his scent or his persona suggested that anything was wrong so why did he come? “Why did you come?” Derek voiced what he was thinking.

Stiles ignored his question. “I heard you guys have a new guy in the pack, Jason, right?” Stiles asked. He didn’t want to tell Derek that the second he got his letter and realized that not only did he want to call Derek, he wanted to see Derek, no he _needed_ to see Derek. His desire to him was pathetic.

Derek growled and rolled his eyes, annoyed that Stiles ignored him. “Yeah, we needed to replace the twins with at least one person and he seemed good enough.”

                “Have you replaced anything else?” Stiles looked up at Derek from under his lashes, still holding the plaid shirt in his hands. Derek noticed the jump of Stiles’ heartbeat when he asked.

                “I’ve been thinking about it,” Derek confessed. He wasn’t exactly lying, he’d been thinking about getting another new car, maybe going back to a Camaro but he knew what Stiles meant. Surprisingly, Derek had been thinking maybe he should start looking somewhere else for a mate, probably a girl this time because he thought he might be ready for kids. He wasn’t old by any means but he was ready to start a family, or at least _maybe_ start a family. When he was with Stiles there had been no question that someday in the near future they would have a family. Stiles was great with kids and Derek was, _okay_. But now that they weren’t together Derek had no promise of a family and without that promise he realized he might actually want one.

Stiles’ heart skipped a beat again and scent showed that he was uncomfortable and saddened by Derek’s words. “Yeah? Oh, well maybe that’s a good idea. Everyone needs something new every once in a while.”

Derek sighed. He noticed he was still standing across the room from Stiles. He moved closer to Stiles and heard the jump in his heartbeat.

                “Stiles, why are you here?” Derek asked again.

Stiles stood and shook his head. “When I got your letter I knew I couldn’t just call you, I wouldn’t even know what to say if I did. I just, I had to see you Derek. I had to see you and touch you and do this-,” Stiles launched himself at Derek and pressed his lips to the wolves’.

Derek didn’t want to react, he wanted to stay still but his instincts took over and he found himself wrapping his arms around Stiles’ slender waist. Stiles brought his hands up to Derek’s face, loving the feeling of the familiar scruff. Suddenly, Derek realized what was actually happening and pushed Stiles away.

                “No!” He said firmly. “You can’t, there’s someone else.”

Stiles’ face dropped and lost all color. His scent reeked of regret and sorrow and he stepped back immediately. “I should go,” he turned and grabbed his shirt from the chair and Derek stepped forward.

                “Leave the shirt, Stiles,” he commanded.

Stiles turned and furrowed his brows. “Excuse me?”

                “Leave the shirt.”

Stiles laughed sarcastically. “Derek, you moved on. You just said it yourself, there’s someone else. There’s no reason for me to leave this here.”

                “Leave the shirt, Stiles,” Derek repeated again.

                “No. It’s over right?”

Derek growled and without even realizing it, he exploded. “There isn't anyone else, Stiles! I lied. I made it up to hurt you. And you have the nerve to ask me if it’s over?! You left!”

                “I had to go, I have a future, Derek and it wasn’t about you.”

                “Your future wasn’t about me? So you came into this relationship knowing that you didn’t want a future with me?!”

Stiles’ eyes were wide. “No! Of course not. I’m saying that leaving wasn’t about you. It was about me and-,”

                “Do not “it’s not you it’s me”. Don’t you fucking even, Stiles," he spat his name in disgust.  "What the hell was that you just did? You ignore me, no, not even ignore me, you shut me out for _five_ months and then you just show up and kiss me like nothing ever happened. You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to act like you didn’t just leave me.”

                “I’m sorry!” was all Stiles could muster. Tears were coated in his eyes and throat now. “I knew if I tried to do the long distance thing with you it would never work because I would never be happy there because you were here.”

                “Why didn’t you ask me to come with you?” Derek finally said. He’d been thinking it since the day Stiles left. All he had to do was ask, he would have went anywhere with him.

Stiles shook his head. “I couldn’t ask you to do that. Beacon Hills is your home-,”

                “It’s yours too!” Derek yelled.

                “No, what I mean is you like it here. You’re comfortable. I couldn’t ask you to leave everything for me.”

Derek sighed and shook his head but still yelled. “You don’t understand! I don’t have anything here. Remember? My family is dead. You were all I had and then you just fucking left! I would’ve gone. I would have left with you in an instant and you didn’t even think to ask.”

                “Trust me,” Stiles’ words quivered. “I thought of asking a thousand times. But I wanted a fresh start.”

                “Fresh start, fuck you, Stiles.” Derek’s chest was heaving with anger and he pulled harder at the shirt, pulling Stiles into him. Derek put his hands on either side of Stiles’ face and roughly brought their lips together. Derek smelled Stiles’ lust and moved their bodies back towards the bed.  He pushed Stiles’ down on the bed and attached his teeth to his neck. He felt the vibration of Stiles’ moan beneath his lips.

                “This is nothing, this means nothing. We are not back together, we are far from it understand?”

                “Yes,” Stiles gasped as Derek nipped harder. “I always loved breakup sex anyway.”

 

Stiles didn’t mean to fall asleep but it was routine, he and Derek had sex and then he fell asleep for a little while after. But when he woke up in Derek’s bed and was a little disoriented and a little more than sore. Sometimes Derek forgot about his wolf strength and since this was technically breakup sex things had gotten a bit rough. Stiles knew in the back of his mind that Derek was channeling a lot of his anger at Stiles into their sex so it was logical why he was sore. But it wasn’t logical why he woke up in bed alone, Derek always stayed in bed with Stiles. Stiles sat up, only in boxers, and pulled the comforter close to himself. He was looking straight at Derek who was sitting in the chair across from the bed. Derek’s face was guarded which made Stiles’ heart skip a beat.

                “Hey, why aren’t you in bed?” Stiles asked.

                “You should probably leave,” Derek said. “I’ve got a pack meeting in an hour and while I’m sure the pack really misses you, we’re done here,” Derek said coolly.

Stiles’ heartbeat picked up. “Derek, no we have to talk. We have to figure something out,” Stiles pleaded. “I didn’t drive five and a half hours this morning to fuck you and leave.”

                “No, you came because you thought that we could just go back to normal but we can’t Stiles. You left, in my mind you’re already gone so why don’t you just go?”

Stiles didn’t want to cry, he really didn’t want to _fucking_ cry but Derek was doing his thing where he was too hurt and he was channeling it all into anger. “I’m not leaving, we are figuring this out. I love you.”

                “If you loved me you wouldn’t have left me in the first place, Stiles,” Derek spat his name again like it was disgusting to his tongue. “You don’t know what it is to love someone. You’d been in love with Lydia for your entire life and she never even reciprocated. I reciprocated and you got scared so you ran.”

Stiles felt like his heart was breaking right there inside his chest, he knew Derek was only saying these things because he wanted to hurt Stiles enough to make him leave but like he said, he didn’t drive five and a half hours for nothing.

                “I’m not leaving,” Stiles said. “We’re figuring this out. We're getting back together,” and then his voice broke. “Derek, we have to get back together,” he sobbed.

                “I don’t want you anymore. I don’t want you here. I don't want to get back together,” Derek said the words firmly.

Stiles was hyperventilating, he was so upset. It couldn't be over, it couldn't end. “No, Derek I made a mistake. I didn’t mean for things to end the way I did. I’m sorry, I love you. I still love you and I know you love me to if you would just help me work something out we could be fine. We can do the long distance thing, I know we can.”

 Derek was pissed, Stiles could see it in all of his features, especially his deeply furrowed eyebrows, but he couldn’t understand why.  “You still won’t do it!” Derek said. “You still won’t even fucking ask me to come with you. Are you that ashamed of me? Do you really need that much space? My god, Stiles.”

Stiles’ face fell apologetically. “No, Derek,” he pleaded. “I want that more than anything. Come with me to school, please?”

Derek laughed sarcastically. “It doesn’t count now and that was pathetic,” he was trying to be as mean as possible so Stiles would just leave, so he could be left alone to grieve for what they once had and what they would never have again.

                “I don’t care how mean you are, how much you tell me to leave because I’m not going back to school without you. I lived life without you for the past five and a half months, I’m not doing it again.”

                “It seemed to work pretty well for you that time, you’ll be fine, Stiles,” Derek retorted.

Still wrapped in the blanket, Stiles walked to Derek and dropped himself into his lap. Stiles put his arms around Derek’s neck and tugged at the hair in the back. Derek’s eyes started to roll as Stiles moved his lips to the crook of his neck while still tugging on Derek’s hair. Derek started to moan but stopped himself and pushed Stiles off, he landed with a hard _oof_ on the ground.

                “You’re not seducing your way out of this breakup, Stiles,” Derek glared. “We’re over.”

                “We are not over,” Stiles said. “We can’t just be over, Derek.”

Derek didn’t want to yell again but he was getting impatient. “What don’t you get about the words ‘we’re over’, Stiles? We’re done, finitio, finished, ended, all fucking done so get off my floor, get dressed, and get the fuck out of my loft. Take your goddamn shirt with you,” Derek’s heart tugged a bit at the last words. It was just a shirt, the absence of it shouldn’t even have an effect on him but it was the first shirt Stiles ever wore to his house and he left it here and it was the last little piece of their relationship. The shirt being gone meant it was all really over.

Stiles couldn’t protest anymore, those words were the final straw. It was really over. Stiles took a deep breath and picked himself up from Derek’s feet and walked back over to the bed. He dressed slowly, hoping that somehow Derek would change his mind. But Stiles knew it wasn’t going to happen, Derek meant everything he said. Stiles had hurt him enough, he knew Derek was right to end things. Once he was dressed, Stiles looked at the edge of the bed where the red shirt was still laying. He sighed and grabbed it by the sleeve, dragging it on the floor like a sad child with a blanket. He looked up at Derek through wet lashes for some kind of inkling that there was still hope but all he got was Derek’s back as he stared out the window.

                “I loved you, ya know? I still love you now. I thought what I was doing then was right for both of us. We wouldn’t have been good at a long distance relationship and I never would’ve lasted this long in college. The first time I came home to visit you I never would’ve went back. I don’t want to go back now. I needed to get out of this place. I didn’t think you’d want to come with me. If I’d known I would have asked in a heartbeat. I know it’s not the same now that you have to bring it to my attention and not fair of me to ask now but Derek, will you please come with me? I don’t know if I can go back without you,” Stiles waited for Derek’s reply but was only granted with radio silence as Derek kept his back towards him. “I get you wouldn’t have a pack there but your pack can and will come visit and I try to visit every few months so there’s that too,” Stiles sighed. “I like where I am but I’d like it a lot more if I were with you.”

Derek didn’t turn or anything, he didn’t even acknowledge Stiles’ presence so after a few minutes Stiles just sighed and walked out, defeated.

 

                Derek collapsed to his knees the moment he heard the door close. He wasn’t even crying, really his chest was just heaving because his goddamn scent was every fucking where. It’d taken Derek so long to get rid of Stiles’ scent before and now he’d have to do it all over again. He couldn’t believe he actually let him go, Stiles was actually gone, and for good this time. He knew he was doing the right thing but holy shit it hurt like hell, much worse than last time it had been on Stiles’ terms. Derek felt like his chest was going to explode. He’d probably let the love of his life walk right out the door and in this moment Derek felt like he was never going to love again.

 

               

Stiles was pretty sure he was going to make himself sick if he kept sobbing like this but he just couldn’t stop. He’d messed up, he so royally fucked up when he left five and a half months ago. _What the hell was he thinking?_ He sat on the side of the road in the Jeep, two blocks from Derek’s because he couldn’t even make it any further without getting into an accident. He picked up the phone and dialed Scott’s number, Scott didn’t even know he was in town, Stiles didn’t even care how ridiculous it was that he was calling his best friend sobbing like a girl, he needed his best friend and he needed him now.

                “Stiles, I need you to calm down,” Scott said. “I can’t understand anything you’re saying. Count to ten and take a breath, it’s going to be okay.”

                “I-can’t.” Stiles sobbed.

Scott sighed. “Dude, where are you?”

                “Like-two-blocks-from-Derek’s!” His name even felt like a burn on Stiles’ tongue.

                “Okay, okay. I’m coming. Do I need to bring Lydia or Kira or, hell?” Scott didn’t know what to do. He had never heard Stiles so hysterical before, except the time he was having that nightmare about the nogitsune. “Do you need your dad?”

                “No, no just you.”

 

                It took Scott ten minutes to get to Stiles and he was still sobbing when he arrived.

                “I’m not going to be able to understand you if you’re gasping like that. Breathe with me, Stiles this is a panic attack.”

Scott was right. Stiles was having a full blown panic attack over losing Derek Hale. Finally, a few minutes later Scott had gotten Stiles calmed down enough to at least speak coherently.

                “So, what happened?”

                “It’s over, Scott.” Stiles said. “It’s just over. I apologized and everything. We did stuff and even though Derek said it didn’t mean anything I still had hope, ya know? I always had hope for us. I thought he’d just make me work for it but I got totally shut down. He said he doesn’t want me.”

Scott sighed and clapped a hand on Stiles’ shoulder. “It sucks man, but Stiles you left him with no explanation really and then you shut him out until now. I don’t really know what you expected?”

Stiles nodded. “You’re right. But I thought after everything we’d ever been through we could get past it. We always got past stuff.”

                “I can’t believe I’m going to say this but Stiles, you broke his heart. No one even knew Derek had a heart until you two got together. But then, you just left him with nothing. He was devastated. I don’t think you just get past a feeling like that.”

                “Are you saying he needs time?” Stiles asked.

Scott shrugged. “Maybe. I don’t know how Derek’s mind works but time could help.”

                “So maybe I’ll just move back here and go from there. I can see how things pan out.”

Scott shook his head. “You can’t just drop out of college for some guy, Stiles.”

                “He’s not just some guy, Scott. Derek Hale wasn’t even ‘just some guy’ before I fell in love with him. I didn’t know how I even left him in the first place but I know I can’t do it again. I’ll go to the community college. I’ll intern at my dad’s station and become a deputy. Here in Beacon Hills, I could be happy if it were with Derek.”

                “Why didn’t you think of it that way before?”

                “Because I’m an idiot!” Stiles said in exasperation. “It probably wouldn’t even work if I moved back here. He’s never going to want me again.”

                “You don’t know that,” Scott defended. “Derek’s a hard ass but he might come around in time,” Scott then looked at the clock in the Jeep. “Speaking of Derek being a hard ass and time, I’m gonna be late for the pack meeting. You gonna be okay?”

Stiles sniffled and wiped his nose and face with the sleeve of his shirt. “My dad doesn’t know I’m in town, don’t tell him alright? I’m just going to head back to campus.”

Scott nodded and brought Stiles in for a tight hug. “I’ll talk to Derek. Call me when you make it back, okay?”

Stiles nodded. “Yeah of course, thanks buddy.”

 

                The drive was long and sad and probably worse than the first time Stiles left home. He didn’t even know what he was thinking when he went to Derek, practically begging for him to take him back. It was after eleven when Stiles dragged himself into his empty loft. Stiles put his keys, wallet, and phone on the table next to his bed. He then took the sad, red plaid shirt and threw it across the room into the dirty clothes. Along the way something fell out of the front pocket and landed on the floor with a soft sound. Stiles walked over and picked it up, it was an envelope with his name on it. He said down on his bed and opened it, pulling out a letter. He’d only seen Derek right a few times, but he noticed his rushed scrawl. Stiles panicked momentarily, he didn’t think he could read another hurtful word from Derek but he was itching to know what the letter said.

                **Stiles,**

     _I cannot believe you just showed up here unannounced, I was out getting gas when I caught your scent. I was so discouraged because I thought you were going to come in own without seeing me again but then your Jeep was in the front lot when I got back. I was excited because I missed you but then I just got so angry when you tried to act like everything hadn’t gone to shit. Every night since you left I prayed that something would bring you back. But you were so cruel it was as if I’d done something to break your heart. How could you just shut me out? I’m watching you sleep in my bed right now with your mouth hanging open and you’re griping my pillow as if it were your life. I could ask you to stay. I want to ask you to stay. But I will never be the reason that you aren’t fully happy. This is why I’m letting you go Stiles. When you wake up I’m going to be mean. I’m going to be cruel and for that I’m sorry, but you need to leave. I love you so much and that’s why I have to let you go. Come back to me in four years when you’re done with school if you want to live in Beacon Hills. I’ll be here, I swear. I promise not to send you away again. I’ll wait for you. I won’t ever love anyone else._

_**Derek**_

 

               

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all for your kudos/comments/bookmarks. you're all so lovely, really. it means everything you actually liked my first Sterek stuff.

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on tumblr: dylanscutie, or opnope. :) The next chapter will be Derek's response. After that I might make some more of them sending letters back in forth and stuff but I'm not sure yet.


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